As my boyfriend stormed out the door, I rushed behind him to dismantle the lock. I did NOT want him to come back!
Or did I?
I fumbled with the dead bolt trying to still my shaking hands long enough to thread the screws through the tiny holes, and then, he busted back through the door.
"Trying to change the lock? A whole lot of good that's going to do you. I'll just come through the kitchen window!"
Duh...I had completely forgotten about the window we had not replaced. It had been missing since the last fight where he "accidentally" shoved me through it.
This was it.
No more.
I sat on the floor crying as he grabbed a few things and left again. I knew he would be gone for the night. I should have been relieved,
but I wasn't.
Regardless of the torment of that relationship, the hurtful words, the angry assaults, I still craved the attention. As odd as it may seem to some, to others, any affection is better than none.
At the time I didn't know I harbored wounds of abandonment and rejection. I didn't know that I craved love, regardless of how harmful it may have been.
The continued pattern of abandonment during those difficult times watered those seeds that had taken root.
And sadly enough, those deep rooted hurts continue to produce fruit until they are removed.
And sadly enough, those deep rooted hurts continue to produce fruit until they are removed.
We unknowingly attract the same behaviors that created the wound in the first place.
Just think, like attracts like.
Most of us at some point in our life have experienced these wounds, unknowingly they take root in our soul and surprise us at the most inopportune time.
My wounds were showing up everywhere.
That night I waited and cried and waited and cried.
Although that memory is over 10 years old, I still remember the vinyl that played over and over on the record player. Lying there, all alone, I longed for the very person who inflicted the wounds to comfort me.
Then at the first rays of the sun, I crawled to my bed and fell asleep delirious and tormented.
I haven't thought of that memory in a long time.
But today as I was interceding for another miracle, another breakthrough, I could feel the exhaustion in my eyes, my mind, my heart, even down into my bones. I was in a weakened state. I just couldn't STAND anymore. I had done all I knew to do and well, it just seemed this time it just wasn't going to happen.
As I stood silently before the Lord I said, "Father, I know it's not you. I know the hold up isn't on your end. What's going on? Please show me!"
That's when the memory came to the forefront of my mind.
In the difficult situations of life, it's easy to give up if you've been wounded by abandonment. We think no one wants to go through this with us. We are used to being left alone during the difficult times, right in the middle of battle. We are accustomed to being abandoned.
Somewhere in the back of our mind, in the deep confines of our heart, we think that God will abandon us also.
This thought breeds loneliness, and honestly, loneliness can be comforting, especially if you've spent a large part of your life "going at it alone."
We think we are being chivalrous, brave, courageous. We turn into the hard hearted general, the colonel and decide we've had enough. It's time to call the shots and move on.
Really?
If our example is Christ, we have to understand that He never had enough.
We have to think of Paul and what he said, " Christ was made perfect in his weakness."
When we can't carry the care anymore, Jesus said to give it to Him.
When we think the Father has abandoned us, we have to remember what He said in His Word,
"I will never leave or forsake you."
God is not a man that He should lie.
"Our thoughts are not His thoughts, nor our ways, His ways."
We are human.
We base spiritual laws and principles on our failed human experiences.
BUT,
It's time for God's kingdom to come.
It's time for God's will to be done on this earth, as it is in heaven.
It's time we learn a new way of living.
It's time we learn to lean on the Father.
It's time we deal with our dirty roots of abandonment and rejection.
It's time we deal with the shame that those roots have produced.
It's time we STAND.
It's time we HOLD FAST.
It's time we THANK JESUS for the gift He gave us through His sacrifice.
It's time we live the ABUNDANT life He died to give us.
It's time we DON'T give up on God, for He will never give up on us.
Just think, like attracts like.
Most of us at some point in our life have experienced these wounds, unknowingly they take root in our soul and surprise us at the most inopportune time.
My wounds were showing up everywhere.
That night I waited and cried and waited and cried.
Although that memory is over 10 years old, I still remember the vinyl that played over and over on the record player. Lying there, all alone, I longed for the very person who inflicted the wounds to comfort me.
Then at the first rays of the sun, I crawled to my bed and fell asleep delirious and tormented.
I haven't thought of that memory in a long time.
But today as I was interceding for another miracle, another breakthrough, I could feel the exhaustion in my eyes, my mind, my heart, even down into my bones. I was in a weakened state. I just couldn't STAND anymore. I had done all I knew to do and well, it just seemed this time it just wasn't going to happen.
As I stood silently before the Lord I said, "Father, I know it's not you. I know the hold up isn't on your end. What's going on? Please show me!"
That's when the memory came to the forefront of my mind.
In the difficult situations of life, it's easy to give up if you've been wounded by abandonment. We think no one wants to go through this with us. We are used to being left alone during the difficult times, right in the middle of battle. We are accustomed to being abandoned.
Somewhere in the back of our mind, in the deep confines of our heart, we think that God will abandon us also.
This thought breeds loneliness, and honestly, loneliness can be comforting, especially if you've spent a large part of your life "going at it alone."
We think we are being chivalrous, brave, courageous. We turn into the hard hearted general, the colonel and decide we've had enough. It's time to call the shots and move on.
Really?
If our example is Christ, we have to understand that He never had enough.
We have to think of Paul and what he said, " Christ was made perfect in his weakness."
When we can't carry the care anymore, Jesus said to give it to Him.
When we think the Father has abandoned us, we have to remember what He said in His Word,
"I will never leave or forsake you."
God is not a man that He should lie.
"Our thoughts are not His thoughts, nor our ways, His ways."
We are human.
We base spiritual laws and principles on our failed human experiences.
BUT,
It's time for God's kingdom to come.
It's time for God's will to be done on this earth, as it is in heaven.
It's time we learn a new way of living.
It's time we learn to lean on the Father.
It's time we deal with our dirty roots of abandonment and rejection.
It's time we deal with the shame that those roots have produced.
It's time we STAND.
It's time we HOLD FAST.
It's time we THANK JESUS for the gift He gave us through His sacrifice.
It's time we live the ABUNDANT life He died to give us.
It's time we DON'T give up on God, for He will never give up on us.
"For this God is our God for ever and ever;
he will be our guide even to the end." Psalm 48:14
